A case for gouache, mulch in the time of growth

So what I could hardly believe happened to me six months ago. After going through a growth spurt artistically in Jesus Christ that was grounded in walking in obedience to His commandments in 2019, 2020 saw the Lord expanding my talent. I think the principle at work here is the whole, if you have, more will be given:

"For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Matt. 13:12)

Here the context is in relation to the parable of the sower sowing seed which is the word of God and the different kinds of grounds' yields which are the souls' responses. So if the word of God takes hold of the ground of your soul and yields fruit in response to what is sown, more will be given to you. But if you hear the word spoken to you which is a mystery and foolishness to the carnal mind and revelation is given to you by God, but you choose to not respond or respond superficially, the growth withers easily or is easily plucked up root and all. Then even what you have will be taken away. 

And

"Then He said to them, “Take heed what you hear. With the same measure you use, it will be measured to you; and to you who hear, more will be given. For whoever has, to him more will be given; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him.”" (Mar. 4:24-25)

Here the context is a lamp. Noone brings a lamp anywhere to hide it under a basket, or under a bed. You bring a lamp to use its light. So you put it on a lampstand and let it give its light. That way you can walk without stumbling. And we disciples of Jesus Christ who believe in Him, follow Him and love Him, are the light of the world. We are a city on a hill. Not because of our own greatness, but because in our vessels of clay that is our body, His Holy spirit now dwells after salvation. And the light of Christ now lives inside of us, grows inside of us and wherever we go we follow and obey the commandments of Jesus, so that we do not "hide" His light within us from the world.  After all, what is the use of a flashlight that is turned on but you hide it under your pillow? What a peculiar thing to do when dark all around and you need to navigate on the dangerous path that is life.

And

"‘For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’" (Matt. 25:29-30)

Here the context is in relation to the parable of the talents. God has given all of us different skills/talents each according to our abilities as noted earlier in Matt. 25:15. Outside of salvation we do not use these to serve Him. Outside of salvation we are lost souls headed for eternal condemnation because the wages of sin is death. And it is a death we are happily headed to, because in the book of Job it notes about human beings that we drink iniquity like water. That is a sea of death that is justly headed for us to pay for eternally the day we go to our appointment with God after we die. 

But when we believe in Jesus' work on the cross and receive His salvation, we go from lost and condemned souls to be redeemed souls justified by faith. We believe that God sent His son Jesus Christ who is God himself to be born in sinful flesh just as us humans to becone an appropriation for us. He was both God and man. He lived a perfect life, fulfilling the law and not sinning, something we humans cannot do after the fall. But He did it and lived a life not breaking the law of God and thus fulfilling the perfect requirements of law which is to love from a pure heart, from a good conscience, and from sincere faith (1 Tim. 1:5). 

The moral law, the ten commandments can be summed up as love God and love your neighbor as yourself. Do no harm to your neighbor: work for him to get a house like you have a house, work for him to eat a good meal a day like you eat a good meal a day, work for him to get justice before the law like you have justice before the law. God does not mind differences in stature, social status or ability, He cares however that those differences are not used by humans to oppress and mistreat each other and deny one another just treatment. He created everything and all souls belong to him. He made us in His likeness and in His image. Though we are fallen through inheritance and through our own iniquity we should be careful to remember that He does not want what is His to be mistreated or mutilated. In fact every human being's inborn knowledge of justice and revenge tells you that He expects us to seek out what is right and what is truth and what is good, all aspects of His nature that are revealed to us.

He is not a respecter of persons, if you are rich, your richness will not make him bless you more or be lenient toward you in justice. He does not want you to pervert the law because a man is poor. He does not want you to pervert the law because a man is rich. Jesus Christ took our place on the cross, was sentenced to the death of a criminal under roman court, rejected by God when He identified himself with our sins and rejected by man. He spilled all His blood, the blood of the innocent as an atonement for our sins, because the life of a creature is in the blood and God has given us the blood animals to atone for our sins. But animals cannot perfectly atone for human sins. It's like you breaking the law and the police coming to look for you because you are going to jail and you say —Here, take my poodle Stephen, he is a living being who can be an appropriation for me and stand before the judge in my stead and the law will be satisfied. That is not going to go in any human court. But God In His mercy gave us a shadow pointing to the day He would provide for us a perfect sacrifice by allowing the blood of bulls and goats to be used for atonement. Jesus Christ however is the perfect sacrifice. He is our passover lamb who will make the wrath of God pass over us in the day of judgement. 

Being a man He can stand in for us on the cross and die my death and your death. Because the law has to be kept and if it is broken, you will pay.  Every lawbreak is being recorded right now as you inhale and exhale. Your outward actions and your most intimate thoughts, and the witness is none other than yourself. Your consciousness is that pernittient recorder that always notes when you're lying, stealing, slandering, converting, lusting, hating. Because God made you in His image and in His likeness. That is why wherever you go in the world at any point in the time of human civilization, stealing will get you in trouble, lying can send you to prison. This is not something humans will evolve out of, if we could all our stealing and lying would have been normalized and accepted as evolution a long time ago. But here we are in 2021 and lying can still get you in jail and stealing can give you in serious trouble which is why even the most rich and privileged hide it when they steal or lie. They even try to rewrite the law of the land to allow for it yet after some time even the law of the land will try to get justice and send them before a court. 

Being God and thus eternal in nature nor death or the grave could keep Jesus Christ. He rose on the third day according to scripture thereby defeating death (it killed him and can do no more) sin (the wages of sin is death, and He paid it, and the power of sin is death and He defeated it) and the grave (He is God, divine and eternal and so it cannot hold Him). He hung the law at the cross (the law looked for an offender, namely you and me, Jesus said take me instead and so satisfied it's requirements) and by faith in His name we stand justified before God the Father. When He looks at us, miserable offenders He sees us who by faith are covered in the blood of Jesus His beloved son. And God in His wisdom, richness, mercy and justice imputes the righteousness of Jesus Christ his beloved son to us sinful humans. If we believe in Jesus whom God sent, God is pleased and will impute all the work of Jesus to us by grace through faith (Eph. 2:8-9). And we know that faith works through love (Gal. 5:6) and we know that God did it all out of love:

"And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in Him should [c]not perish but have eternal life. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

“He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God." (Joh. 3:14-18)

We also know that God is love. So as bible teacher and preacher Derek Prince put it, the justice of God sentenced Adam and Eve to death for their rebellion in the garden, a sentence we their descendants inherit from conception, but the grace of God was to send his own son to pay for that sentence on the cross and redeem us. Redeeming us from what you say? The masters that have dominion over you right now, death, sin and the devil. If you were free and your own master you could at any time, by your own will choose to live by God's rules by anytime in heart, in thoughts and in actions 24/7 for the rest of your life. But you actually can't, that's why the sayings "it is human to err" "you're human not a machine" "noone's perfect" are accepted by all because that is the effect of the fall and it is obvious to all humans no matter the age or intellectual skills.

Perfection means to be able to abide by God's law, sort of like what gravity does 24/7. Gravity does not take a second off. If it did we sure would come to feel it. Or sort of what a straight line does. When it stops being straight, even by a tiny measurement, it is not straight. Builders and other craftsmen know all about what it means when something veers a little bit off in the baseline of the construction, it will grow into a dangerous flaw later on. Right now you're not free, you just have masters that suit your sinful nature and you do not drink iniquity like water against your will. As a bona fide enemy of God by birth and by choice of actions you and I happily drink iniquity assuming we will get away with being a law unto ourselves. But it is appointed for all men to die once and after that comes the judgement. That is an appointment with God every person, great or small, is going to make.

So back to the parable of the talents. Salvation is God's offer to reconcile the world to Himself in His son Jesus Christ. His world, His rules, His salvation. He is God, sovereign, king, judge, creator, lord and his name is LORD. So when we receive salvation we get life (the eternal, victorious life of Christ) we get liberty (new master, God who is good, who is just, who is holy, who is life, who is love) we get family (God adopts us as his legal heirs, all that Jesus has he shares with us how rad is that) and we get a new citizenship (kingdom of God under God's chosen king His son Jesus). So we become sons of God (legal heirs) we become disciples of Jesus (disciples means to follow) and we become servants of God because Jesus said that He, the son of God came to serve and not to be served, and that He wants us his disciples to follow His example, as His subjects and as His friends.

Now that we are His servants, the talents and skills and abilities He blessed us with from birth, should be used to glorify Him. If you sang for yourself before salvation, use that voice for God now. Sing to your children, your friends, your church, strangers and sing in a way that gives God glory. Does that mean gospel songs only? Not necessarily. Psalm 24 says that the earth is the LORD's and all that's in it. Psalm 19 says that the heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handy work. So why not sing songs about the glory of God revealed to you when you look up at the skies? Or sing about the beauty of His handy work you see revealed in the earth? Do you ever get fascinated at looking at insects, birds, landscapes, humans, how carefully, meticulously everything is crafted to work according to an invisible order? An order so natural and innate for us living creatures that we live by it, catalogue it and systemize it. 

If you liked cooking before salvation use that skill to bless visitors to your house to a good meal in godly company. There are so many lost and weary souls around you, and if you are called to it, open your door and your heart to give them respite for one evening, and let them enjoy the light and life of Christ that is shining inside of you. Did you have a mind for business before salvation, a joy for teaching, a skill for speaking encouragement, a love for organizing, an interest in construction...and so on and so forth. Just like you have a body made up of many parts, some of them visible, some of them invisible, some respectable, some shameful, but all needed for you to function, so it is now that you're a part of the body of Christ. God has placed you in so and so place where He has purposed to position you, and He wants you to use your skill your talent for His glory. Are you a house mom? Be a house mom to the glory of God. Are you a child? Be a child to the glory of God. Are you a student? Be a student to the glory of God.  Are you a janitor? Be a janitor to the glory of God. Are you a CEO? Be a CEO to the glory of God. Are you a patient in the hospital? Be a patient to the glory of God so that the nurses and doctors and patients around you can benefit from the life of Christ within you.

Do not hide your salvation under a bed. Do not be ashamed of your salvation, do not be ashamed of the gospel which is the power of God unto righteousness. Jesus was not ashamed to leave His heavenly abode and get down and be born like you and me. How humbling. The God of the universe, as a little weak baby completely dependent on nurturing, protecting and caring parents. His mother could have aborted him, his foster father could have abused him. Our perfect divine and holy God stepping out among hypocrites, self-righteous people, backbiters and so on. Serving them, seeking out for the lost which is all of us, being patient with those who hated Him (no he did not roll over, but He tried to reason to those who thought they were all that). And Jesus is not ashamed to offer you salvation today. When He died on that cross He said it is finished. He did it all, for those who were already dead and in the grave, who all their lives lived by faith believing for God to justify them according to His mercy. He did it all, for those who were alive at the time of his death and resurrection. He did it all, for those who were to be born in the time to come. Jesus Christ is not ashamed of you. 

Let us say you receive the gospel of salvation and the fruit of your response is that you don't want to live for the glory of God and so you hide your talent under a bed, never to use it for God, clearly the word sown into you never took proper hold of the soil of your heart. So the root withered away or the enemy came and pulled that plant up root and all. You were a tare and not wheat, a false convert. You were unprofitable, which is what lost souls are to God. Lost, enemies of Him, and profitable only to themselves, a meagre profit that disappears at their deaths no matter how many monuments they leave of themselves in the earth. 

Don't be a tare, don't be unprofitable to God, don't be a false convert. That is a dangerous place to be and it would be sad if at your appointment you say —Lord! Lord! to Jesus Chris, and He replies —Get away from me, I never knew you! And how could He know you if you never gave Him the chance, by drawing near to Him and building your relationship with Him? If after salvation you are living for yourself, check the status of your salvation. Be cautious because you still have an enemy within, your sinful nature, and two enemies outside, the world and the devil. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.  Get around other followers of Jesus, the ones who obey His words and live their lives surrendered to Him. Read His word, listen to scriptural music that helps you remember who He is and what He has done for you and what He will do for you. Ponder and consider all the mysteries of God. Seek knowledge about Him. Test the spirits and see what is from God and what is not. I mean think about it, who joins a company without knowing it's policies? Who seeks citizenship in a nation without getting to know the laws and the culture of that nation? Who gets adopted by parents and doesn't get to know the people who now pay your bills and have your back. If that is how it is for humans, why not more so with God?

Ok so back to the principle if you have, more will be given:

"“And he said to those who stood by, ‘Take the mina from him, and give it to him who has ten minas.’ (But they said to him, ‘Master, he has ten minas.’) ‘For I say to you, that to everyone who has will be given; and from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Luk. 19:24-26)

Here the context is in relation to the parable of the minas. When we are saved God gives us a measurement and He wants us to steward it and exercise it for his Glory. He will require an account of what we have done with this measure at our appointment with Him, to see if we are faithful over the responsibility He has given us. Let us say you are homeless at the time of your salvation and your inborn talent is discernment. You just have a way to see through things and so you use your talent around other believers to warn them of lies, remind them of the word of God and reveal false teachers. That is, you exercise your talent and that pleases God, whether it is as a Berean, watchman or a prayer warrior and more. But for some reason you see an interesting repeat pattern in your life. People often come your way and confide in you about let us say their financial troubles. That is everybody, from your caseworker, strangers, the employees at the shelters, even family members who may look down on your homeless situation. 

You gracefully give advice and encouragement as you can because though you may not feel you're the one up for the task, clearly God has positioned you in such a way that you can speak life, light and love into these people's lives. What is more often they reveal to you that you are the only person that they have ever opened up to about this area of their lives. That is your measure, that is your mina. Maybe it was for such a time as this that God called you, because this was the only way God could speak into this person's life before they headed for ruin. And God sent you, His servant to cross paths with this person to bless that lost or saved soul. But it is up to you to use that mina. 

Another example much closer to home is myself. My talent is giving, and my skills to create whether it be art/cooking/writing relate to that talent strongly. Even my personality fits that talent, because I like to give. I give time, encouragement, money and love. I suck however at organizing, I don't care to lead, and I'm not the person with the visions. I don't have a mind for business, and find it very boring to consume (a book, movie, game) if I am not required to respond to the consumption (create fanwork). I abhor organized sport and I am not consistent in coaching others. But I do like to give attention, support, peace, joy, gifts and so on. As for my mina, I am not 100% sure what it is, but I do believe it is simply living in surrender and obedience to God around believers and unbelievers. Thereby I give them courage to hope in the love of God, the grace of Jesus Christ and the fellowship of the Holy spirit. The reason why I think my mina is openly living in obedience to God is because of my personality. I am by nature a follower of people, somebody who often lies flat to let others walk over me and and the biggest coward who caves under group pressure. And because this is so obvious even just by hanging with me for a few seconds, it makes all the more difference to me and to others when I publicly take some severe blows for standing by Christ. And I can tell by now that strangers as well as friends and family when they see my trembling, timid appearance, ready to fall over at any hardship refuse to let go of holding onto God. And I mean holding on as in literally barely hanging by the strength the Holy spirit gives me. For me it is dreadful but also sort of a “well, time to die kind of thing, goodbye cruel and faithless world” when I have to admit that —Yes I pray, yes I go to church, yes I read the bible, yes I do believe in Jesus yes I actually love Jesus, no I will not deny my God, no I will not be ashamed of my God, no I chose to hang with my Jesus over you guys, no I do not feel cravings to hang with you, sorry, sorry, but not sorry. 

I can see people being puzzled because as timid, frightened and unimpressive as I am, I clearly am joyful, at peace, blessed, happy and content. Clearly someone strengthens me and makes me stand, gives me confidence, makes me stand straight and look them straight in the eyes. Someone has my back whenever I take a public rejection or verbal beat down, and it is clear to everybody that it is not my own jelly spine. Because that one buckles under pressure but something else makes me come back the morning after, with a smile, head held high, with a well rested outlook and peace in my heart that I am sharing with joy. And I can tell after a few years of being born again that the average believer lives in defeat. Defeat from fear of the world, defeat from unbelief, defeat from the power of sin, defeat from walking in their own ways according to their own will, defeat from not getting to know God better, defeat because they entertain the world and other lies seeping into the church.

So that is me and my talents and my mina. It will be measured differently to you and God has positioned you in another place.Do not sweat it if you don't know what your mina is. As long as you are trying to live for God and you're faithful in the opportunities to serve Him that come your way, He will in due time reveal what works He wants you to walk in and if you obey His commandments He is faithful and will make you abound in them.

So let us round up with the expansion of my talent. I create and what I create I like to give away. In fact I am at my best when what I make (a meal, a painting and more) is with a specific person in mind. But throughout my childhood, teens and early twenties, where I didn't know God I lived for myself and strangely enough I used to despise things that were outside of my horisont. So I drew, specifically a manga-ish style, read sf/f books, was interested in linguistics and liked to walk, playing tennis and playing jprg's. I could not comprehend inside of myself liking other things than what I liked. In fact oftentimes I felt sick to my soul thinking about how people could waste time, life, skills and money on something I found lacking in soul and life such as soccer, fishing, knitting, and organizing. 

Around the time God started to draw me to himself and the Holy spirit was working on my heart, one thing He did was remove this blindness. One day I woke up with an expansion in my mind and heart to look at construction workers and understand that they not only were interested in their own field, but also that they might find reading sf/f books lacking in soul and life. It took Him some years but 2-3 years ago He really got on my case about my dislike of other art disciplines, even branches within the art disciplines that I pursue. And in December 2020 some serious revelations hit me. Sculpturing suddenly seemed like a legitimate pursuit of art, etching made sense to me and I found beauty in pottery. In fact we spoke about the purpose of art and its relationship with Creation.

It was a conversation that had started a bit earlier. It started with Him prompting me and giving me an urge and hunger to consider japanese art and the Nihonga philosophy behind Japanese paintings. The use of empty space Ma in Chinese and Japanese art. This was something that drew me back to something I had read earlier about the prevalence of sculptures in african art and the love of hyper stylization of human features in sculptures favored over paintings on surfaces. And that in turn drew me back to an article about written language in 2d( parchment, paper, papyrus) versus 3d language and the knotted woven strings of the Quipu of the incas. And it was as if God told me —It pleased me to make each nation, people, tongue different in how they relate to my creation in order to let them express different aspects of my revealed glory. And it made me think about language writing systems like cantonese, hiragana, hieroglyphs, hebrew that are pictographic versus the alphabet of letters and how they shape the minds of their respective speakers. This in fact relates to one of my earliest curiosities in regards to comics: why it is that some cultures developed comics, whereas other cultures can import comics but have no tradition for growing it themselves. In that research I often found out oral vs. written traditions were determining factors for a culture to express storytelling in writing (novels, journals, comics). 

But in December 2020 I felt an expanse inside of me that said —Time for an expanse in your talent. And from one day to another the urge to sculpt came over me, and so I started researching. So I considered the learning curve, what I desired to express, ease of access and portability of media, and the cost of materials as well as known hazards to health. I ruled out pottery and classical sculpting. Then I turned to engraving and wood carving, but there were some hazards in regards to sharp end forceful tools to consider. Finally I settled on linoleum carving. Nowhere in the league to express shape and form the way that pottery and sculpting had, but a good contender and vaguely in line with drawing so I figured, let me do it. Then I researched materials, costs and just felt no, with this kind of investment I might as well get some clay and call it a day.

Finally I turned to God and asked Him, can we do this in a more convenient way? I'm very much about convenience, my atelier and my workshop are literally my bedside table or the floor. If the setup feels too permanent I don't know how to approach it because I never had much space to work on. I always had to move at a moment's notice and my financial situation has been precarious more often than not. I am used to creating art with the dregs at the bottom of the barrel. And by now all those survival strategies are so deeply ingrained in me that it is difficult for me to create outside of those considerations. So He said —Oils? I said —No, you know how I dislike them and their clean up process is so bad, and the price tag is no better. He said —Acrylics? I said —No, I find them less appealing than oil. He said —Gouache? I said —No, I have watercolors and I have never seen a gouache painting that I found appealing. He went quiet on the subjects, took away the frustration and hunger to create in 3d inside of me and gave me peace. Then some time later He opened my eyes, and it was as if one day suddenly I saw the world around me and every representation of it (art, photography, video, theater) as different ways of poetically or prosaically describing what is observed of Creation. And He started asking me:

—Eva what is the strength of photography? I said —It is a confined, staged depiction of reality that allows a flat surface optical depth. It lacks movement, colors have been manipulated with, but it is a very good approximation.

He then asked me —Eva what is the strength of painting? I said —Though photography has the best technical claim to capture likeness and colors as our eyes see it, painting is far superior in its ability to translate mood, atmosphere and vitality.

He then asked me —Eva what is the strength of sculptures? I said —Painting and photography are in the end attempts to depict the fullness of a multidimensional reality on just two dimensions and a flat surface. Sculpting is superior in the regard that it can capture form, likeness, life, vitality and texture, and because it is multidimensional it interacts with light, however it is limited to a single surface/material color.

He then asked me —Eva is any art expression superior to its subject matter. I said —No, art is a way to express our interaction with Creation. But the creation itself is superior and came first. However art helps me understand the creation, appreciate the creation, and enjoy the creation. 

He then asked me —Eva the subject matter, the creation who made it? I said —You made it God. He was pleased I could tell and He left me to think about the conversation.

And I thought about it and realized I had gotten things backwards about artistic expression in response to Creation, Creation itself (life, the earth, living beings, emotions, spiritual matters) and the Creator. I paint and draw, this is the way I intuitively respond to what I take in about the world and existence itself. I enjoy music, but if I had to choose between a life without hearing and a life without seeing, I would choose deafness without a second thought. The way I live to look at art, sculptures,study color, look at cartoons, admire paintings, and perceive with my eyes is such an intrinsically part of me that I get "hungry" when I have not looked at paintings or drawings after a few days. I can live without photography, sculptures I would not miss too much, even pottery or fine china would not be the end of the world for me. But scribble something on a surface, like a cave, a stone or paper and you got my attention.

By looking at doodles, it's like something inside of me breathes. But, glorifying the expression of something and not the thing itself is a bit odd and a perverse in a way. To like a symbol, but not the thing the symbol points back to. But that is what I did, and that is by large what our culture does by enticing people with video and photos. Make people fall in love with a staged, hyperreal representation of reality over the actual reality itself which can seem flat and boring and also uncomfortable when compared with an idealized, textureless representation of it. Personally, I found a portrait painting more beautiful than the fullness of the person whom it depicted. In fact I studied people thinking wooow what a beautiful nose, brow, hands, let me make a beautiful depiction of them and then admire the depiction. 

Realizing that, I noticed the expanse inside of myself. How God had made space inside of myself to embrace the fact that He has given each human our own way to express a response to life and Creation. Some of us dance, some sing, some make awesome soccer tricks, some sculpt, some cook, some fellowship, some run. It is all different forms of worship and the truest kind and the purest is the kind of worship we direct at God. Showing him that we understand that He is the Creator, that He made all this to enjoy, that we find it good as he is good.

He set me free in a moment. And suddenly I didn't feel like I despised other ways of artistic expression. In fact I started to consider their strength. And the Holy spirit helped me. So I said —Watercolor? He said —Unmatched in its ability to capture light and luminosity in relation to form and shape and temperamental. 

I said —Oils? He said —Superior in its ability to capture depth of darkness in relation to form and shape and fluid.

I said —Gouache? He said —Weak in expressing luminosity and depth of darkness but excellent in immediately depicting form and shape. And I thought, He has expanded me to express shape and form, but the circumstances are not yet there for sculpting or carving. So let me take the next best and convenient transition, gouache.

Now you say —What what!? Eva hold on, you express form and shape in watercolor, in fact your watercolors are full of shape and form. What are you on about? I say true, but my intention with watercolor is only to give shape to the lineart of my drawings, not necessarily to express shape or form. It is more a happy coincidence if that happens. Depicting shape and form is not my motivation to paint with watercolor. With watercolors I just want to put down some colors in a medium that enhances my lineart. But as it is, reality is not made up of lines.

But gouache and other more heavy painting media, force me to drop the drawing lines and focus more on representing shape and form faithful to reality, because the lines will be painted over at some point. 

So here I am going through the learning curve and enjoying it. There is a lot of mulch in the process, and I did throw out a lot of my early ventures into gouache because they were a watery mess. But as my eyes get used to the opaque gouache, its matte look, I start to hunger to paint with it and develop my voice. I am especially enjoying the fact that I am doing this with God, and so I ask him to help me in the process. He is faithful and has led me through some art history about the golden age of american illustration and other master painters through time. He has shown me that much of their official commissioned art is not necessarily what they perceived as their best, but more client work that had to be done to put bread on the table. He has shown me that whether sketchy and loose or tight and controlled, whether highly technical or low brow, whether many or few paintings, whether highly acclaimed or obscure, what matters is to enjoy expressing the inner artistic vision. The rest will go to dust anyways. It is true when Pauls says that the kingdom of God is righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.